We have a new kitten in our home. I called my mom a few weeks ago to tell her "we have a new addition to our family!" to which she slowly inhaled and said "...okay* waiting for the other shoe to drop (I don't blame her, I have a sorted history of pranking her horribly!) as I told her it was a cat. She would have been thrilled had I told her we were adopting, I was having twins, or we got a snake, she just had no idea what to expect.
That little kitten is currently curled up on my lap in our bed. She was taken from her mama before she was weaned, then abandoned, so all of our attachment parenting over the past 6 years is really paying off ;) I'm laying here, hardly able to keep my eyes open, but completely incapable of falling asleep. Today I did all of the stupid hard stuff that us artsy fartsy people tend to neglect- the money stuff. I paid my taxes and then planned out all of my finances for 2015. Let's talk about how drained I am.
And I want to just put this out there - 2015 is sorta kinda MAJORLY freaking me out.
What if I don't get booked?
What if I get really sick?
What if I tear apart my family?
What if I'm being too big for my britches?!
You see, two years ago I started to put together an organization for breastfeeding photographers. It was too early, first of all, I'll go ahead and own that right now. But here's what also happened. I got laughed at for some typos, I was scoffed at by my peers because I set my standards unprecedentedly high, and no one took me seriously. It took me a year to burry that project and every now and then I still have to lick an old wound.
But you know, I'm prideful. And maybe I need to be knocked on my butt. Once, twice... Okay, lots.
With that kitty purring, thunder rolling softly, and the ac whirring (sup, Texas winter?) I feel that deep inhale being sucked in. "You've got big plans for 205!" "...okaaaaaay" what does that mean exactly, ya know?!
I am lucky enough to have my heart sewn together with a man's who loves me fiercely. I am always his number two (behind our Lord) and he is mine. Sewing two hearts together is messy business, especially with two as meaty as ours. There is the painful needle pricks of each pass of the needle and the thread often narrowly avoids life giving veins. But somehow we don't bleed out. We survive the process. And then, after all of that, once scar tissue has started to form and the wounds heal, three little chunks were ripped right out. Our little girls are painfully cherished. They are the answer to many of my "Why's" and I gift that I am unsure I have properly received.
With all of that in mind - I need to not be needed for a minute.
The Lord's Grace is enough for me to raise them well, and there is no buts about that. Buuuuut. Being an introverted 25 year old I find myself needing more and more space. I don't just need a minute. I need a chance to miss them. That's horrible to say isn't it? I know there are parents who have lost their baby thinking "I would never!" And to you, I am sorry for my selfish ignorance.
In 2014 I spent more time administrating than shooting and editing. It was hard work that paid off, but as we round off this 2014th year of our Lord... I am left with the feeling that I didn't shoot enough. I didn't put the glass up to my face and catch the light enough. I didn't risk my crazy toddler possibly wrecking my camera enough. I didn't convince you that you need to stop paying for $100 "meh" pictures every few months and instead save up for a session that you will truly love by getting in front of the camera, MY camera - enough. I didn't step out of my comfort zone enough. I didn't step into your comfort zone enough.
So somehow, I have to strike that balance. Reply to my needy needers and photograph 2015 and it's moments in motherhood with no regrets.
Here's to holding our breath for a few more days as we wait and see what 2015 has in store for us!
Find me on Instagram (@mae_burke) for momore of my non camera toting ways ;)