Yesterday marked the sixth week that we've been in Rockport.
Some days are worse than others (like today). I'm torn between falling on my knees, thanking the Lord for His protection and storming into town to light my father in law's house on fire, 'less I take my anger out on my God.
The house we were going to move into- wasn't actually an option. When confronted about this, Eamon's dad made it clear we needed to leave his brother's house (where we were staying, which he owns) leaving us & our three girls without a dime to our name (bc we had used all our funds to get down here & then worked on the house for a month sun up to sun down instead of working) and without a home.
Luckily, my family is here too. We have been staying in my old room at my parents house. The Lord gave Eamon a job as soon as we were kicked out which was amazing.
The first day we were here I bought year passes to all of the beaches in the area, so as long as we have gas we can go to the beach whenever we want. Friends & family have helped us feed all these hungry mouths. My mama's been there to let me cry on her shoulder and tell me how she survived her "homeless with three girls" (and she had one more on the way!) period of her life. For a week we were terrified they were going to lose their home too, but we got to watch as God protected them.
Things could be a lot worse, and I mean A LOT worse, but when you've got PPD (third time's a charm, right?!) and you've been through so much in six weeks, things start becoming harder and harder to deal with.
Like when I remember all of the adorable newborn clothes I had for Phoebe but she can't wear them because she already outgrew them and I have them packed away in storage bc I only had one week of clothes packed bc that's how long we were supposed to be staying with family...
Or when I think about all the amazing things I was going to do with her "this time around because now I know everything about newborns" but I can't because everything we own is packed away...
Or when Lily exclaims "I can't wait to sleep in my big girl bed in the new traylor!" because she saw Eamon work every day on it and I have to sit and explain to her (again) that not only did we leave her bed in Hurst bc we couldn't afford a bigger truck to bring it in last minute, but we also won't be moving into that traylor because Grandpa doesn't want us to...
Or when Norah is so overwhelmed... So overwhelmed that all she can do is scratch her legs til they bleed because her little world is turned upside down. First mama has a new baby, then she moves in with her uncle, then she moves in with her grandma...
Or when Lily talks to her imaginary friend Chocky Mocky on the phone and tells him "No, we can't ever see Henry or Ruby Kate or Hazel ever again because Fort Worth is too far away"...
Or when Eamon and I argue because I'd rather save our money for a deposit on a house instead of my stupid PPD supplements...
Or any of the other thousands of tiny things that make me question what type of man seduces his son & his family away from all they know and love only to throw them on the street.
Not my God.
My God led us here with confidence.
My God has kept us out of the heat.
He has kept all of our bellies full.
He has given my girls clothes to keep them dressed and adorable.
He has washed my sweet Norahs skin with His gentle, salty hands of waves, meeting her at the shorline each time she goes to the beach.
He has reminded me, as I was starring down at my sweet 9 week old babe, to just rest in Him. To allow Him to nourish me, body & soul, exhale and sink deep into His embrace.
Phoebe loves me. I don't ask her to, and she can't verbalize it, but I know she does. She cries out to me when she's hungry or cold, trusts and allows me to take care of her, and then completely surrenders all of her weight into my arms, fulfilled.
Lord, I beg of you, LET ME LOVE YOU LIKE THAT!
" 25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worryabout your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27 Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?
28 “And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. 29 Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. 30 If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? 31 So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. 33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. 34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."