Have you noticed the past couple of posts have been...well, uninspired?
Well. Guess what?
I, unfortunately, got PPD again. Again? Yup. Again.
Remember when I said that Easter weekend kicked my butt? It turns out I wasn't just having a rough day or two..or five. Turns out that PPD has got me again. By the following Thursday I was completely gone. I tried to go to a TCBN meeting about one of my favorite topics ever, birth photography, and I STILL couldn't snap out of it.
It started with me moping around about Baby June, then escalated. It was effecting my babies...
Last time it was all me. I got all "Oh the world's so black and would be brighter without me in it" but this time around it's like the world just got all of the color sucked out if it, and it pissed me off. This wasn't Baby Blues. Baby Blues is "Oh my milk just came in and this ASPCA commercial is making me cry my eyes out" or "We're out of toilet paper, Dear God, we're out of toilet paper. The world as we know it is falling apart." No, this was different.
I knew I wasn't just having a bad
day week when I pushed Lily. Ya. I pushed her. I put her in time out and I don't even remember what she was crying about but I obviously didn't care. She took a step towards me and I pushed her back against the wall. She hardly noticed, but I was horrified. I thought, I HAVE to get out of this house, I'm going crazy. So Eamon let me go to the meeting that night. On the way home I was overcome with anxiety and was terrified that I was going to die. I almost pulled over, but suddenly realized something- I'd been doing that all week. Just struck in terror with paranoia that I was going to die. Then I remembered a piece of paper that I was given in high school explaining what depression was when I had my appointments with our guidance counselor, and another flash to a similar paper in my postpartum care folder given to me by my midwife. It all kinda crashed in on me. Shit. I have PPD again.
I tried to work through it in my head the next morning "Where do I go from here? Who do I call? Why does this keep happening?" when a friend texted me asking me if I was alright. She knew. And now I knew. Once again I was directed to take the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale Test to see where I landed, and I scored "worse" than I did last time. I fought it a little longer and gave up. I called Angela and told her what was going on.
Thank God for midwives.
If I were seeing a regular OB right now, I would be on drugs and probably not able to breastfeed. IF that were necessary, of course I'd do it. BUT Angela suggested a more natural route. She gave me a slew of herbal supplements to take very strictly. There's no way I can accurately explain the difference. Night and Day people.
On one hand, it's good to know that it is hormonal, that I'm not just a bad mom or that I can't handle two kids. On the other hand, I'm still pretty angry that I have to deal with this-again. There are still periods throughout the day where the world is dull. Everything is grey, I can't seem to laugh, there is fear, I'm not me, but that usually means it's time to take my supplements. And voila, the world is back in technicolor.
No mom deserves this pain. Not a one. If you or someone you know is dealing with depression, especially after having a baby, I urge you to get help. There are many, many options out there and I pray you can find the one that is safe for your and your baby.
I'll keep you updated on how I'm doing. Today was hard, hopefully, without the pressure of "You have to be happy, it's Mother's Day" lingering over my head, tomorrow will be better.