"And what if all this puking causes me to miscarry?"
"And what if my hips don't hold up like they did last time and I can't push my baby out?"
"What if I'm disappointed that it's a boy/girl?"
"What if Eamon is disappointed that it's a girl?!"
"I'm eating too much Bueno, he/she isn't getting enough nutrition." [beans are the ONLY thing that calms my stomach.]
"Is this just cramping or is this baby coming early?"
"What if Lily kicked me too hard this morning"
And the worst
"I'm not going to get to keep this baby."
This last thought has been in my head since the day I took a pregnancy test. I don't know if it's a lie from Satan, or the Lord trying to prepare my heart. Trust me, I've tried to figure it out.
The month before we got pregnant, June, Eamon and I had sex when I was ovulating. Shortly after I started getting fatigued, nauseated, I felt it. We were pregnant, I was sure of it. I started making plans to tell my family and friends at Lily's birthday party, planning to make her baby wear a onsie with the estimated due date on it. I was so excited-and late. I drove myself crazy with tests. I took eleven to be exact. Yup, ELEVEN tests. They all came back negative. But I "knew" I was pregnant. Well...needless to say, a heavy, hard, painful period came eventually. I went to the bathroom and noticed, and Eamon heard me whimpering from the living room. I could tell he was disappointed too. He tried his best to reassure me that it wasn't a miscarriage, that I was just late, [I never did get a positive test after all] but it didn't stop me from sobbing myself to sleep that night. That was the last time I thought it was miscarriage. After that I put it out of my mind and focused on the future, waiting till we moved to Austin and till Lily was a little bit older. The next month, obviously, we got pregnant when there was absolutely no way we should have. I was supposed to have started my period on our conception date. THis is the SECOND pregnancy that this has happened.
So, once a week for the eleven weeks that I've known about this beautiful baby inside me, I've hear this awful thing in my ear
"This baby isn't yours to keep"
I heard it when I was still nursing Lily, then thinking that it meant that Lily was taking from the baby. Nope, that wasn't it. I heard it again this week when I caught a stomach bug and couldn't stand up without puking. I spent most of the afternoon on my hands and knees crying and puking, crying and praying, crying and arguing with Eamon, crying and wanting my midwife there. I thought all the puking would cause contractions and throw baby into early labor. Nope, we survived. All night the little bean kicked and swam around, reassuring me that we were gonna be ok. I heard it again yesterday when after throwing up I had a cramp/contraction right at the top of my uterus that wouldn't let go. I laid on our living room floor with a heating pad praying the pain would go away, and that my fearful mind would cease it's doubts. Eventually it all stopped.
This morning, something came back into the front of my mind that I'm not sure what to think about. I think it's shameful when women try to make more of a situation to make themselves feel included, or to create more drama for themselves so know that is NOT what I'm doing. But I started thinking:
"What if my body is trying to grieve for the other baby?"
Again, I never got a positive pregnancy test. I never had the time to show, I don't even know if I had time for the little bean to attach. And I in no way WANT to have had a miscarriage, and I in no way can relate to the pain many of my friends have had over their lost children. But still...it makes since to me. What if the possible denial has driven me to doubt my body, my baby, MY GOD during this pregnancy?
After struggling with this I decided to start this week off new.
Last week I was very lucky to surround myself with women who love birth, who love me, and love Jesus. I went to a "Birth Stories" night at the birth center where the midwives got to tell their most amazing birth stories, and I'm not gonna lie, it felt good to hear midwife say that my birth was the best she's seen... I've had a few heart to heart's with women who have shown me support when I didn't know I needed or wanted it, and I've got everything planned out to have a peaceful, safe birth for this child THAT WILL MAKE IT. You'd think with all of my doubts I would start planning for a hospital birth, but it's done nothing but reassure me that I want to be in my own home surrounded by those who love me, who will sing praises with Jesus with me, who will kneel on their knees for hours to watch me and my baby labor, who will lay down their everything to be with us in those few hours.
I wanted to share with you who I plan to have my birth this week, even though I know I've got a long way to go.
Midwife #1 Angela Friesen: She was at Lily's birth and after hanging out with her this week, I'm even more excited to have her here for the next one, to pray patiently over me, and to remind me, You're having a baby...it hurts ;]
Midwife #2 Sarah Jones: The first new addition to our team this time around, I'm really excited for Sarah to be there to assist Angela in whatever she may need.
Doula Leila Farber: We will actually be having dinner with her when we come back from Rockport to make sure she's the perfect fit for us, but I've got a feeling she's gonna be exactly what we...I...need. She'll be there for me when Eamon can't and be there for Eamon when he is exhausted.
Birth Photographer Michelle Monk: I really wanted her at my last birth, but she hadn't done many births at the time and we had already hired Lynsey. She's become and amazing friend and I can't wait for her to share this experience with us as well as capture it.
The Husband Eamon: Without him, I don't think I would be able to do it. How men leave their wives in the hands of ahem..."professionals" at the hospital [or at home!!!] to go watch a game or play on their phone while their wife is going through the most life changing experience they will ever have baffles me. Eamon was my rock.
These are the people I will continue to look to for positivity and encouragement throughout the rest of this pregnancy [as well as a few other close friends] I'm extremely happy to have them and am actually really excited to see this growing into such a beautiful experience.
So here's to a new week! I hope that God shows you how to come out of whatever fear you may be trapped in and that you learn to TRUST even if it's the hardest, most unrealistic thing to do in your life...or so it may seem.